leaving

Life is a series of comings and goings…I can’t recall whose great insight that might have been , however it is pretty reflective of the last few months of my own experience. Leaving for China has been no easy feat. I am grateful to have so many wonderful friends and beautiful family, so the past week had smatterings of celebrations that I am leaving (which leaves me wondering if they are giddy with excitement or are they really going to miss me?). After the organization of the Visa, gaining notarized documents that I can take my own child with me, proving he is my own child (I was there at the birth!) taking my vaccinations shots, drinking that weird drink (Don’t drink the lemonade!), packing for a foreign land, while trying to maintain my fashion sense and minimizing my packing…yup…it’s been busy.The most challenging leave for me, of course, was when my Mom hugged me goodbye. Our family (well, mostly me) likes to practice what I call “The Irish Goodbye”. I don’t really say goodbye…I never wait until the end of the night or go to the airport or the train station to say good bye.. I just can’t. It’s too hard. What if life takes a sudden veer to the left and our roads never cross again? What if you are crying a snotty cry and can’t say the right thing at the right time, and you leave the impression that you are big snotty baby? The capacity to cope with all of that in a moment of a hug is too much, and too surreal and too great for me to manage. It just is.Usually, the lights come on, the guests leave, the plane departs, and I have exited just prior to the big goodbye. Many of my friends interpret my actions and being careless or thoughtless. I know that. In reality, it is just the opposite: the crushing worry of what may or may not happen on the journey makes me want to avoid the entire scenario.It’s the fear, isn’t it. That is what it is. And I do not know how to allay those fears.So, the first part of my journey is saying goodbye to family and friends (for now), and a soon to say, Hello! to the New World order that will be Beijing.  Onwards we go. Also, I am a cryer. Did I mention that?